i have a hero

I thought you were bad metal. so, after only a few seconds of listening, i threw your CD to the side where it sat for a year before it was given another chance.

almost exactly a year later i was on the search for beer money when i began pulling old and unliked CDs from my shelf. there you were. still brand new. i knew i would get a buck or two for you at the pawn shop int he next town over.  while i waited for my friend to pick me up i decided to throw your cd on as a gentle reminder of why i was selling you for beer. wholy shit! who was this and where was that horrible metal band of last year?

the stars must have aligned perfectly. or i must have matured and found some fucking taste, because that damn cd didnt leave my player for a month. my friends had metallica, green day or nirvana to connect with. but i found you. and we were like fucking soul mates.

it took me about a month to convince my friend that you were worth a trip to portland to see live. so on one hot-ass summer evening we drove the hour and a half to portland to see you at laluna. and after that night we went again and again. every show you played, i was there. aims fest, hemp fest, laluna... you could have played a bible college and i would have shown up.

there was no way in hell that i was going to be more invested, more moved and more connected to any other band or music again. this was it and i fucking loved it. then you released your second album, hag seed. 

"i get in these black moods sometimes..." yep. "i could cut you in half you punk motherfucker, i could cut you in half before you get out of bed". a sentiment i have felt day after day after day. "took a bullet in the neck/fired by a friend/ we never spoke again/or cared which way we went". i've stood in those shoes many times, but the way those words came out of your mouth -holding back that anger. holding back the pain of betrayal- gave me the strength to stand taller and be ok in my anger. "her belief in love/is a shame cause faith is not enough". this lyric was an eye opening truth that ive lived my life by since hearing it.

you were my biggest inspiration. i was your biggest fan.

when i finally made it out of my home town and into portland, i started a band. my dream was to play a show with you. but before i could get there, you were done. i was scared, at first, of others seeing the obvious similarities between our music. i couldnt help the overwhelming inspiration that took shape in what i created. so i tempered it. i did what i thought you would recommend i do: i shaped my craft. adding the inspiration in doses and where it meant the most to me. i became a strong, loud, aggressive and often vulgar singer. i let every meaningful word express itself on my face, in my body, in my throat. i made every song as powerful, beautiful and honest as i could. and i poured every ounce of myself into every note.

people did compare. but instead of it embarrassing me, it made me proud. it was never said as an insult. it was always said with enthusiasm. my time playing music changed my life because your band changed my life. had you not set the example, i dont know if i would have found my own to set. had you not given me a voice when i was young, alone and hidden from the world, im not sure i would have ever know what to say or how to say it. you showed me that art, sound, anger, beauty, passion, intensity, honesty and depth are all necessary ingredients to make moving, lasting music. and when you passed away, i lost the only hero i have ever had.

where i grew up, lebanon oregon, there was never a chance that, even if you wanted, you could find yourself, create yourself and then make it out to pursue a dream. kids like me were bullied. bullied by our teachers, the students, the cops, the adults. beaten down until we submitted to a life of shitty beer, wife beating and working at a production job for the rest of our lives. but you inspired me to rise above that. you moved me to become my own person, fight the bigger fight and stomp out the path i want in life. i thank you for that.

so, i'll conclude this letter by asking for your forgiveness. i apologize for calling you "bad metal". you never deserved the same title as fuckin' metallica. i hope that wherever you are now, you have not quieted that voice. keep it real.