Old Songs

I've been listening to a handful of songs written during a very short time i was in a post-woke up falling band. The lyrics surprised me as i had forgotten all about them or their meaning. Intense and heartfelt, they have brought on a bit of sadness. Here's an example...

"A Final Farewell"

When all around you is in pieces
when all around you attacks
a voice, a shout, and a final farewell
a dream i remember so well
i breathe to hear my voice.

When all around you is in pieces
when all around you attacks
the whores, the tricks and the faithful bow down
underneath a halo we found
believe you hear my voice.

Written about the end of WUF and how disappointing it was to lose that dream. and how upsetting it was to watch as other bands at our level kept going on to little successes. i felt we should have been a part of that, and that we WERE a part of that for a time.  in some ways it felt we were never acknowledged by certain bands for little generosities we gave them. 

One more...

"A pilot in the Fog" 

so it goes shooting up my armor
as i choke on memories of my father
i feel, i feel, i felt it from the start
i feel, i feel, i felt it fall apart
and the floor is littered
with the hopes of millions
here i stand ready to take my life

so sure nobody hears the whispers
like a storm that nobody can remember
i feel, i feel, i felt it from the start
i feel, i feel, i felt it fall apart
and the floor is littered
with the hopes of millions
here i stand ready to take my life

get up, get up
get up, get up don't let down.

Obviously written while very depressed. and very literal in that i was very suicidal at the time. in fact, im not sure how i managed to make it through that pain. i had suffered the loss of the band, which meant the loss of my dreams, my identity, my soul and my outlet for pain. i had also been battling a lot of shit from my childhood, such as issues with my father. but more than any of that was that the way i had come to view the world through touring and playing music was turning sour. I had been all over this country, and met more amazing people than i can keep track of,  and had begun seeing the world and life as beautiful and hopeful. But after so much loss and so many issues emerging, my view began to change. it has changed. i was not able to hold onto that view of the world or of life. and at the time, i wanted help that i never received.

sorry, this shit is deep and uncomfortable. but its hit me really hard since rediscovery. mostly because this was a point of change for the worse in my life and i still havent recovered. its difficult when you get to a time in life that you can look back over a bigger picture and see a breaking point. this time of my life created a huge divide between who i was and who i am. i feel a lot of grief. i also feel a lot of anger, sadness, loneliness, disappointment and fear. because from this side of the divide and on there has been constant loss. mostly loss i have been helpless to stop. also a bit of loss i have created that i cant fix. where as life was a mess on the other side, the mess on this side is so much more. so much deeper. so irreparable. so undefendable.