I wrote this a long time ago, but never posted it. My sister is facing one of the hardest things you can ever face in life. She is losing her dog. And since I am no good at speaking words of encouragement, or sympathy, empathy, whatever, I figured I'd just share my experience. I write to be honest. Because writing is the only time I can ever be sure that im totally honest. So this isnt a happy-fun-unicorn story. It's real. Even in its beautiful message and final healing, it's still fucking sad. Because losing someone you love is always sad, even at its most beautiful. Death never ends in Unicorns and rainbows. But that doesnt mean it has to end in despair either.
This is long. I do that. I tend to ramble forever. Like I am now. For no good reason. But when you decide to read this, IF you decide to read this, just know that you're not alone in this difficult time. I was there once. And the feelings remain fresh in my heart. Its not easy. It will never be easy. But thats the price you pay to love someone completely. Wilson will be waiting on the other side of the creek. With Sepie. With Bo. With every animal we've ever lost.
I was lucky to have shared 14 years with the best dog, and friend, a person could ever hope to have. The night she died, I never expected to come home without her. I laid on the cold, hard vet floor with her, holding her in my arms, looking into her eyes as the medicine hit her and she drifted off to another life. I promised her I would be with her as far as i could go. I watched the life leave her eyes, then i laid her body down and walked away. It was the hardest thing I'd ever been through. Even harder than when I got the news that Grandma died.
I beat the shit out of my car on the way home. I yelled so loud that half the city woke up way too early on that monday morning. I kicked my apartment door open, laid down on the couch, and slept for 3 days straight. When I woke up, silence was all I heard.
The apartment was hollow. I strained to hear her paws on the hard kitchen floor. Or the sound of her drinking her water and splashing it all out of her dish into a puddle we called "lake Sepie". If I left the house, my return was greeted by no one. No one frantically searching for their favorite toy to drop at my feet as I take my first step through the door. I sat on the couch, dreading the clock to strike 12pm. That was our time to go out for a walk. Or 4pm, the time we would load into the car together and go to Teresas work to bring her home. But the worst was at night. We had slept together every night for 14 years. Sometimes on the bed, where she would sleep above Teresas head and next to mine, or on the couch where she slept cuddled between my legs and the sofa. Not being able to feel her little warm body as i drifted off made it impossible to sleep. But eventually I did. Only to wake up to a cruel reminder every morning when it was normally time to take her outside to go potty. And the miserable day would start over.
The guilt was consuming. Did i do the right thing? Did i do what was best? I killed my best friend, how could I ever be ok with that? As the days went by I truly began to hate myself. What kind of person could do such a thing to their best, most loyal and loving friend? I disgusted myself. Something in my brain clicked and convinced me she wasnt gone, just lost. And that feeling grew every single day until I truly believed it. So for the next year, even though I knew she was dead, I searched for her. I waited. I told myself that if she was lost out there, then all I had to do was find her and bring her home where she belonged. Then I'd have my best girl back again.
A year goes by and I havent found her. Guilt is really beating me down. Did I kill my dog, or just lose her? Either way she was gone and it was my fault. And to top it all off, we were being kicked out of our apartment. So even if she came home, I wouldnt be there. It was pointless. I fell into an even deeper depression.
Then one night I had a dream of her. I had had many dreams of her over the year, but this one was different. It was real. It didnt even feel like a dream, it felt like a memory.
In the dream I was driving around the state looking for Sepie. Every place I stopped I would see a friend or relative who would tell me i needed to stop looking for her because i would never be able to find her. Fuck them, I thought, as i got back in my car and drove to the next location. But I couldnt find her anywhere. So I drove to my Grandparents old house on the HWY. It was tore down and only a huge pile of debris remained. So I parked across the street next to the creek I used to fish when i was a kid.
I walked down to the river, sad and depressed, feeling like a total failure. I sat on a big boulder at the edge of the creek and cried. But then I noticed the tall grass on the other side of the creek begin to shake. Whatever was in that grass was heading towards me in a hurry. Just as I stood up to face whatever it was, Sepie popped out of the grass and ran onto a little beach. Her tail was wagging back and forth, she was smiling with her big tongue hanging out to the side. She barked in excitement. I thought "holy shit! I found her!" and began crying. I called for her to come over as she ran side to side on that beach. "come on, sepie! Come here girl!". But she just kept running from one side of the small beach to the other, barking in excitement.
Soon she began slowing down. I became frustrated. I called to her again and again, but she eventually just sat down on the beach and stared at me. HEll, if she wasnt going to come to me then I would just go to her. So I went to cross the creek but found that my legs wouldnt move past the shore line. I tried again and again but just couldnt even step foot into the creek. Finally I sat back down on that boulder and cried. She was so close to me, but i couldnt get to her. I couldnt save her.
She sat on the other shore with a somber look in her eyes. Watching and waiting for me to look at at her again. I didnt want to. I knew what was coming. Suddenly I heard a loud bark, commanding my attention. So I looked up and our eyes met. Instantly I understood what was going on. I knew why I was having this dream. I also knew that, once again, my best friend was not coming home with me.
I cried and begged her not to go. I cried for a long time. But I knew what she was telling me. We were on opposite sides of life. Her in death, me still alive. And as close as we were to each other, we still couldnt be together. Not yet. She was there to let me find her. To give me that gift and set me free of the torture i was living. And she was there to explain to me, one last time, that she was dead, not lost.
As sad as that was, she was also there to prove to me that she was never far away. She was just across the creek, waiting for the day when I would cross over to her shore, where we could be together again.
She stood up and barked a few times. I begged her not to go. But she turned and slowly walked back into the grass. I never dreamed of her again.
When I woke up, I was devastated. I tried explaining to Teresa that I had found Sepie, but I just sounded crazy. I wanted to goi back into that dream so bad, but couldnt. I wondered if I should drive the 3 hours down to my Grandparents old house to search for Sepie? Maybe it wasnt a dream, but a premonition? But something in my heart told me I needed to just calm down and take in my dream and process it. So I did.
The next day I began feeling lighter. A slow acceptance of her death began to take hold. And I stopped looking for her everywhere I went. That horrible guilt faded into a feeling of sorrow and loss. And my decision to end her life that night started to feel like the right decision, no matter how difficult it was. Slowly life returned to normal. As normal as it could be without her by my side.
Some people will never understand a relationship with a dog like I had with Sepie. They'll never know the loyalty, love and life changing experience a dog brings into your life. But for those that do get it, losing that best friend is like losing your entire world. It really impacted my emotional and mental health for over a year. And losing her is still something i think about every day. 6 years ago, she died. And her memories have started to fade into each other, leaving me with only a few to represent them all. I miss her every day. Im crying as I type this now. But she gave me the most amazing gift. She came to me, all the way from the afterlife, in a dream, to let me find her and to ensure me that we'd sbe together again one day.
I'm not religious, and I dont know if I even believed in an afterlife before this dream. Even now, I dont know what an afterlife is, i just know I believe in it. Maybe I'll see her when I die. Maybe I'll see her in the next life. I dont know. I just know that I will see her again some day. She told me this, and I believe her.
So, when youre sitting alone in the living room, straining to hear those paws on the floor, or the swish of the water spilling out of the dish, dont despair if you dont hear them. Your best friend isnt gone forever. They are just waiting on the opposite shore until for you to join them one day. But until that day comes, live your life. When the time is right, fall in love with a new best friend. Do it all again. Just as our dogs want nothing more than for us to be happy while they are alive, they also want us to be happy after they've gone. They came into our lives to show us how to do this. We do it by loving, unconditionally, all the little things in life. We do it by having adventure and living new experiences. We stay humble and willing to serve others.
When Sepie was just a tiny puppy her first lesson to me began with waking up. Every morning I would wake to find her inches from my face, staring at my eyes, shaking her tiny tail. When my eyes opened, she would freak out. She was so happy to see me. She couldnt believe I was actually alive! She was so grateful and immediately brought me her leash for a walk. I loved that. It taught me to be thankful and grateful for waking up and being alive every day with the people I love the most. No day starts without a few thoughts of gratitude. And thats why Sepie was in my life. Your dog gave you alkl the same lessons. Now its up to you to practice them.
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