fear

 i've been in two moods lately. one is this creative mood  waking me from my sleep, distracting me from mundane errands and haunting me with unearthed feelings i thought i had buried years ago. creativity, for me, has always been a very painful, deep and honest way to release emotions and get rid of baggage. but in doing that it can also push my emotional limits and burden me with truths that im not always prepared to deal with. the last time i  really buried myself in a creative outlet it overwhelmed me so quickly and completely that i was unable to make it through. and it destroyed my life. since then i have kept my creative urges bottled up. only releasing what i have to and closing it up before it gets too deep or meaningful. sol, yeah, im terrified of being creative.


the second has been a mood that feels like a slow, slumbering crawl towards doomsday. the apocalypse. a march towards the end of my world. death has been on my mind. a fear of dying. a fear of the people i love dying. the fear of unsaid words. the fear of love unshared. a fear that i wont be remembered. a fear of life ending the way it is now, before i can improve it. the reality that we all die alone. and i dont want to die alone.

but also confusion and wonder. is there an afterlife? is there something, or someone, waiting for us on the other side? what about reincarnation? if i come back, will the people i love in this life be in my next life? if so, how will i know? how will we find each other? am i going to understand the pain i've been through once im safe on the other side? will i regret how ive lived my life? will the people ive hurt forgive me when we meet in the afterlife? im terrified of the one thing that life guarantees: death.

anyway, these are lyrics to a song im writing. 

there are a handful of people who ive disappointed, betrayed or hurt in this lifetime. the loss of those people in my life will be the one regret that will stay with me through death, into the afterlife and beyond. i will be born again under  a blanket of guilt, sorrow and shame. forgive me.

theres nothing to do before we go
nothing to say but one last joke
im not ok with dying
im not ok with fading out into a ghost
haunting you day and nightly
leaving you clues you'll never pick up off the floor

in the end
when it comes for me i hope you won't forget
all my dreams and memories
and everything thats made me, me
in the end, here comes the end

i dont want to live upon the shore
safe from the beauty of the storm
but what if you never find me
what if i never know its you im looking for
what if theres nothing waiting
waiting to break our fears and then unbreak our hearts

in the end
when it comes for me i hope you won't forget
all our dreams and memories
and everything that you've meant to me
in the end, here comes the end