im too wordy

problem: when i write, i don't know when to shut up. i have no filter that tells me when i've given enough info, or too much info, or when i've over-explained something.i could spend hours writing an explanation or description of some basic idea or concept. this, to others, looks long-winded and repetitive. i get that. im not sure if i've just never been taught where to draw that line, or if i've just ignored it. or if there is a line at all. what i do know is that, for me, its about emotion and insecurity.

emotionally i cannot feel satisfied writing just one or two sentences, or even paragraphs, describing something im passionate about. i dont handle bottled up feelings very well. so when i write, i write to get that demon out of me. and more times than not, that demon is not only huge, but also stubborn. it resists coming out. and it does so as a single word or thought at a time. exhausting. but if i dont get it all out, then it has the base it needs to rebuild. i dont like fighting the same fight twice. if im going to battle something dark, then i will do it until the very end to make sure i never encounter it again. make sense?

growing up, my father was very talented and making me feel very small. he kept a very low bar of expectation for me and viewed my talents as flawed characteristics. he made me feel stupid for being smart. so i played dumb to avoid his comments. abstract ideas were a joke to him, and any signs of  an intelligence outside his box of safety and normality  were "weird" or silly. ambition, goals, passions and creativity that he could not understand were downplayed as unrealistic and irresponsible. you graduated high school [no college], got a job at the railroad [his career], knocked a girl up, had an obligated marriage, work, get fat, give up on dreams, work some more and then finally retire. that was what was acceptable and encouraged.

wow, sorry. got way off track there.

anyway, i think its obvious that this effected me in many, many ways. it made me rebel in ways that gave me confidence. to tell him to shut the fuck up through my actions, and to do what i wanted to do rather than what was expected gave me strength. but, the other side was  deep insecurities. to this day, when i say something articulately or that shows any sign of intelligence, i immediately follow it up with a stupid fart joke. my abstract or creative thoughts and ideas are expressed, for the most part, alone. and when they are witnessed by others, i follow it up with lengthy explanations that cut it down into less important pieces..... ha! sort of like what im doing right now.

funny how you can be so aware, yet so unaware, at the same time. this whole post has been a shining example of its own subject. so i'll stop here.