brething without an A

I often get these feelings in my stomach that put me on the cusp of losing my breathe. Not in a Butterfly/nervous sort of way, but in a "can almost feel it" way. Like when you're hit hard by nostalgia and find yourself at the feeling, but unable to to actually feel it. For me, it's been a feeling of having just barey missed something in life.  Like something was supposed to be there. Something i was expecting and preparing for, but in some random twist, missed it by seconds as it came within reach of my life. Its knowing you were meant for something  bigger. so you conquered the mountain expecting the reward at the top, but were distracted on the last step and lost the chance to become what you know you should have become.


its a feeling of being homesick, but worse. so much worse. its the feeling of a long lost love, but worse. much worse. it's regret. but worse. so much worse.

i spent my childhood believing that i had nothing to offer. no one encouraged me to become anything other than what they were; low wage slave laborers and costumer service. no one challenged me to think bigger, be greater or do more. but when i moved out on my own at 17, i moved to a community that did all those things. and suddenly i believed in myself. suddenly i saw the space i was supposed to fill. and i worked hard, all the time, every hour consumed in it to achieve such a simple thing: to become a part of something bigger and greater. to connect. to give and to love.

i did those things. and i felt myself the path i was meant to be on. and life really picked up. soon it almost seemed too easy. everything felt like a win. but then, somehow, some way, i slipped at the right moment and it passed right over me. ive spent the last almost 15 yeras trying to find my way back. but the more i search, the more lost i feel.

every so often i get a rush of feeling that brings me back to the moment i slipped. when everything felt so great and all i needed to do was to take one last step. before i could take it, i slipped. and it passed me by.