fuck

im hit hard today by the distance between myself and people who mean a great deal to me.  days like today find me open and honest. and thats not always good. i get caught in these landslides of thought and emotion and when all is said and done, i always end up way too deep.


this isnt just about missing old friends. this is about watching from a distance as they live their lives without me in them. its also about the places we end up and asking myself how it was me who ended up here? this isnt the life i had planned for myself.

10, 15 or even 20 years ago, when i imagined my future it always included  certain friends. the ones who were more than friends. they were brothers. i never considered that one day i would be the one far removed and all alone. but here i stand...

i miss you guys. i wish my life was riding the same successes as yours. im happy for you all, but i cant help but think that i should have been somewhere among you. somewhere along the same road. i cant help but feel that my life was supposed to be different. i shouldnt be here, where i am. somewhere along the way i must have really fucked up, because i couldnt be any further from where i feel i should be. i couldnt be any further from all of you. and i feel it every day. i miss you.